Well, it's happened again. For the second time in the last five years, I have been "restructured" out of a job.

This occasion was much more difficult than the last time. This time, the entire office that I was in charge of was liquidated; my team and I were thrown into the fiscal food processor in order to make profit hummus for the shareholders to dip dividend pita chips in. And, um, that elaborate metaphor has made me a little snacky, so I'll be right back.

Okay. I have tea and chocolate chip cookies. We can proceed.

Warning shots? There were none. What was supposed to be a two-day strategy session with a visiting corporate VIP was, in short order, transmogrified into a "here are some boxes, turn in your keys" morning. Ongoing projects were halted in mid-keystroke as our workstations were locked down. The water cooler became coin operated. And, we were all required to sign separation documents stating, among other things, that we would never, under penalty of crucifixion, reveal the corporation's secret handshake to anyone on this planet.

I did get to keep my corporate-branded coffee mug. It's sitting in front of me, full of hot tea... a tasty, satisfying reminder that my mortgage payment is due in three weeks.

Thankfully, there were some lessons that I learned from the previous "restructuring" that served me well last Monday. For instance, immediately after being notified that I was an expendable asset, I took five antacid tablets, crunched them between my teeth, and washed them down with a pint of vodka. This cocktail has an immediate soothing effect, and is a perfect bromide for stemming the sudden vital urge to choke the life out of an executive triggerman's body. Plus, when you begin vomiting later, it isn't as acidic.

I also remembered from my previous "restructuring" experience that there are certain things that you should try to avoid saying during your exit interview. Examples include:

* "What did I enjoy most about my job? Wow, that's a tough one. Well, off the top of my head, I'd have to say it was the weekends I spent with your daughter at the Bondage Bed and Breakfast just outside of Reno."

* "Holy cow... I haven't felt this violated since my last church picnic."

* "I truly enjoyed my time with the organization. My experience here will serve me well in my future career development. I am going to cut you open like a birthday cake and pull out the dimes. This was a wonderful opportunity, and I wish the company every future success."

As an aside, I can also tell you that it is nearly impossible to sneak a laser printer out of an office by sticking it down your pants.

(Note to readers fifteen years from now: fifteen years ago, laser printers were big. Not mainframe big, but still pretty big. They weren't nearly as small as the ones you now get in specially-marked boxes of Frosted Soylent Flakes.)

A number of friends and colleagues have been kind enough to commiserate and offer moral support during the last few days. I appreciate this, honestly I do... but the next person who tells me "When one door closes, another door opens" is going to get a web cam colonoscopy.

When one door closes, another one opens. That's super, unless you're in an airplane, spacecraft, or submarine. Jerk.

At any rate, my second great job hunt of the 21st Century has begun in earnest. Oh, I make pretty good dough managing the Binary Nation, but try taking money you've printed yourself as the leader of a virtual sovereign nation to your local Best Buy. Bring a lunch.

I'm not sure what the current job market is like for court jesters. If there are any dour monarchs reading this, please know that I play a mean lute accompaniment to my bawdy songs and tales of jocularity. In the mean time, I'll be hanging out here in the Binary Nation playing lawn darts and raiding tea and chocolate chip cookies out of Vector's stash. Drop me a line if you have a "restructuring" story to share, and always remember: the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

Sector by sector, perhaps.

A.J. Axline
A.J. Axline is the creator/author of Closet Universe, and may need to turn to a life of crime pretty soon.

Posted by nam on 28/03/2006 08:48