|
|
 |
|
| |
|
|
ExamForce :: Article Archive :: Newsletter Article
 The Cert Times: IT Edition Article Archive
|
| Nobody Expects the Vector Intervention (B1N@RY N@T10N (A.J. Axline)) |
"Normally I love being tied to a chair," I said as calmly as I could given the circumstances, "but the rest of the picture usually involves a tall, attractive blonde wearing a cheerleader's uniform, showing off her... school spirit. This picture usually doesn't involve being surrounded by you and six sinister-looking men in black, hooded robes."
"Silence!" Vector barked. "This is an intervention, and it's for your own good."
"Could you at least move the light away from my face?" I asked. "Either that, or put my sunglasses on me. They're on the coffee table over there, next to the thumb rack."
Vector turned the lamp so that I could see him and his eclectic-looking group of thugs.
"Now then," Vector said. "Why don't we start at the beginning? Tell us when it was the cultists first got a hold of you?"
"What cultists?" I said. "Don't you think you're overreacting? All I said yesterday was that I'm thinking about buying an Apple computer."
The six robed and hooded men clutched their heads and moaned in agony. Vector shook his head sadly.
"Oh, A.J., when did they get you? What have they done?"
"Just as an aside," I said as an aside, "the cord that you used to tie me up with is actually quite luxurious. Top-notch stuff. I appreciate the effort and thoughtfulness, but this is really quite unnecessary."
Vector pulled a couple of small bundles out of my knapsack.
"Unnecessary, eh? Well then... what do you call this?" he said, brandishing a bright booklet in his hand.
"It's a catalog from the Apple Store," I replied.
This response produced another round of mournful wailing from Vector's fellow inquisitors.
"Aha!" Vector shouted. "And, what about this?"
"It's a printout of system specs for an iMac G5," I said. "Do these get tougher? Do the money values double during the lightning round?"
"Aha!" Vector shouted again. "And, what do you have to say about... this!"
I peered at his hand. "That appears to be a copy of Spanking Nuns magazine. In fact, it's the same magazine that you gave me last Christmas, in front of my entire family. In front of my grandmother, Vector. And then it vanished before New Year's Eve and I haven't seen it since... until now, that is."
Vector looked at me, confused, and then started flipping through the magazine. After a few pages, he burst into gleeful laughter.
"Oh yeah," he said.
"Look--" I said.
"Never mind that!" Vector said, carefully closing the magazine and sticking it under one of the cushions of the couch. He crouched in front of me and spoke kindly.
"Look, A.J., I know you've been under a lot of stress lately. I know that you've been unemployed for nine weeks--"
"Eleven weeks," I said curtly.
"--eleven weeks, and that you've been eating a lot of ramen and animal crackers lately. In fact, this whole thing may have been caused by a protein deficiency that has weakened your mind. Why don't I untie you, take you to DQ, and buy you a triple cheeseburger? I would be more than happy to do that for you... as long as you repent now."
"REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!" the six-man Geek Chorus chanted.
"Look," I said, "I don't know what the fuss is about. All I said the other day is that I want a new office workstation that I can use for writing, surfing, e-mail, and to run a few apps. I want something quiet; really whisper-quiet, something that doesn't cause my ears to hum hours after I've logged off, something I don't have to lock in a closet in order to hear myself think. I want something with a small footprint, something that isn't prone to virii and spyware, something that doesn't need two-to-four security upgrades a month in order to run safely. It doesn't need to play Doom 3 at 1800 frames-per-second. It doesn't have to do infinite fractal encryption. It just has to be compact, quiet, and reliable."
"I'm interested in working with Apple OS X," I told him, "because I like technology, I like software, and I haven't booted an Apple since I was in the sixth grade. I don't care if there aren't a lot of games for the Apple; we've got the console systems if I want games. I don't care that you can't add PCI cards to an iMac, because the out-of-the-box specs will be all that I need for quite some time. All I want is a computer that works: quietly, efficiently, without a whole lot of crap involved."
Vector squinted his eyes and looked at me.
"So, you're saying that you haven't been brainwashed?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Brand loyalty makes sense if the product in question always does exactly what you want it to, every time. PCs are good for some things; Macs are good for some things. That aside, this isn't about PC vs. Mac. This is about having different tools for different needs. I'm not abandoning the Windows platform. I just want to try something new, something different, that's all."
"And, you're not just buying it because it comes in a pretty white case?" Vector asked suspiciously.
"Vector, what color is 90% of the clothing, furniture, consumer electronics, breakfast cereal, and drapery in this house?" I asked him.
"Black," he said. "The other 10% is charcoal."
"Well?" I said meaningfully.
Vector thought for a few seconds, and then started loosening the cords binding me to the chair. The hooded men began to protest.
"Beat it," Vector growled. "You got your twenty bucks apiece."
The inquisitors hung their heads, and sadly filed out the front door.
"You have to understand that I had your own best interests at heart," Vector said firmly.
"I know," I replied. "And, in your own twisted, violent, disturbing way, you were acting as a friend."
After I had the feeling back in my arms and legs, I went to the kitchen and started brewing a fresh pot of coffee.
"So, who were those guys anyway?" I asked.
Vector looked at me, and chuckled.
"Department of Homeland Security drones, looking for a few spare bucks," he said.
"You got six DHS guys for twenty bucks a piece to come here and help you to torture me?" I asked incredulously.
"They would have done it for ten," Vector smiled. "Man, they live for that stuff."
A.J. Axline
B1n@ry N@t10n
A.J. Axline is the creator/owner of Closet Universe, the online cult phenomenon that will make its print debut as a paperback book in August 2005. A.J. would like to encourage someone at Apple to give him a free iMac, in return for which he will sing its sweet online praises. A.J. is a total tech-whore who is easily bought with shiny objects.
|
|
|
Posted by
nam on 28/03/2006 08:49 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ExamForce, Inc. is not sponsored by, endorsed by, or affiliated with Cisco Systems, Inc. Cisco®, Cisco Systems®, CCDA™, CCNA™, CCDP™, CCNP™, CCIE™, CCSI™, the Cisco Systems logo, and the CCIE logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of Cisco Systems, Inc. in the United States and certain other countries. All other trademarks, including those of Microsoft, CompTIA, and Citrix are trademarks of their respective owners.
|
|
|
|
 |
|
