1. My call is not valuable to you. In fact, I'm certain that you would park my call somewhere in the priority scale between clipping away the hangnail that's been bothering you during your 12-hour shift, and doing your taxes. It's likely that you are either an underpaid phone support tech who is thinking about quitting so you can go work somewhere you have to endure less abuse and humiliation, like maybe being a referee at dwarf-tossing events at your neighborhood biker bar, or you are in a call center in a part of the world where people can't afford motorcycles, never mind biker bars, or dwarves to toss in them. In either case, chances are that you no longer care that the product your employer makes is as functional as male teats and about as safe as a poison oak jockstrap. Stop pretending to care about my problem. In fact, why not start off our brief relationship with, "Your call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes, you life-sucking, high-expectation for product functionality dillhole."
2. You, with the cell phone that takes pictures. You're a lousy photographer, and a lousy conversationalist, and now you have a gadget that allows you to do both at the same time. Congratulations. If you point that thing at me or my friends one more time, I'm going to turn your cell phone into a bargain-basement colonoscopy device.
3. Michael Jackson: could you please do something whacko so we can bump Tom Cruise and his born-again-Thetan wife off of the front page of every friggin' news site on the face of the planet? And on a side note, "placenta eating" is now officially forbidden as a news story topic. I'm trying to drink my coffee and eat my trans-fat-laden 'Placendwich'© breakfast sandwich over here.
4. Hey Adobe: it might be a good idea to not force people who buy your products to create a log-in and user account just to download the latest patch for your bug-riddled applications. "Hi, our software is defective, but we fixed it, and you can fix your copy by sharing personal information with us so we can better market our future bug-riddled products to you!" Real smooth, jackasses.
5. Hey, Macromedia: it might be a good idea... oh wait, you're Adobe now. See #4 above.
6. Call it whatever you want, Starbucks. It's a small coffee. When I ask for a small coffee, don't ask me "Do you mean a 'Tall'?" No, I mean give me the size that doesn't require me to skip a car payment because it's so freakin' expensive. Don't try to change words so that they become meaningless. That's the President's job.
7. Excuse me, neighbor? You may want to remove the six-foot-tall, plastic, illuminated snowman from your front lawn. You know, in case you go to leave your house one morning, and discovered that he's been "necklaced". It's Spring. Plant tulips. I'll tell you where.
8. I don't want to see any more "DOWNLOADING IS A CRIME" infomercials at the start of the movie. When I go to buy a new car, I don't have to sit through an anti-car jacking PSA after I hand over my wallet. You're missing your target audience here, MPAA. The people sitting in the theatre are the ones who paid to see the slop bucket of incontinent sloth feces that passes for Hollywood entertainment these days. The pirates are at home, downloading the movies. Don't berate me on my dime, on my time. I didn't pay $40 for my wife and I to sit in a communal intelligence sinkhole with a cup of flat sugar water and a bag of popcorn covered in yellow walrus grease, just for the sheer pleasure of having you wag your stinky casting couch finger at me.
9. Steve Jobs: everytime you say, "This is the best product Apple has ever released," during one of your orgiastic press carnivals, the people who bought the previous version of the product the day before end up in suicide watch. One minute, some Mac addict is rolling around on the floor, happily cradling and sniffing the styrofoam packing his new iMac came in; the next, he's looking down in dismay at his Logan's Run obsolescence diode because it just began flashing. Go easy on the cultists, fer cryin' out loud.
10. You, out there reading this, snarking that "He didn't say anything about blah blah blah," write in with your own Snarky Dim Sum dishes. I can't be bitter for all of you, damn it. Share your emotional lemon juice with the world. Remember: your opinions are valuable to us.

Posted by nam on 25/04/2006 08:45