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ExamForce :: Article Archive :: Newsletter Article
 The Cert Times: IT Edition Article Archive
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| The Rite to Peaceful Assembly (B1N@RY N@T10N (A.J. Axline)) |
"Tell me again why we are waiting outside a high school principal's office, en route to a school gymnasium to talk to a mob of sullen teenagers about the wonders of technology?" Vector asked sullenly.
"What part of the term 'community service' is giving you trouble?" I said happily, my tone serving as a blatant misrepresentation of my mood.
"You sound like the judge," Vector muttered. "Whatever happened to just handing out a fine? What kind of filthy dictatorship has this country become? Oh no, handing over your wallet isn't enough for these fascist scumbags anymore. They want servitude. Judas H Priest, look at this place! I'd forgotten how frigging depressing these loony bins are."
"I thought they were supposed to paint the walls in colors that inspire calm, unquestioning obedience," I said thoughtfully. "I'm not sure they've hit the mark here. This hallway, for instance, makes me want to stick my arm--or more likely, someone else's arm--into a blender."
Vector shuddered. "I don't know if I'm going to make it. There is a really bad vibe here, like they built this school over the remains of an ancient Micmac high school. How many more lattes do we have left?"
I looked down at the take-out tray. "Two more, each."
Vector tipped back his XL cup, and his throat worked like a Mac dock icon begging for attention. I shook my head. If we kept drinking coffee at this pace, our molecules would soon be vibrating so quickly that we'd pass through the floor like the Flash. I sighed, and pulled a fresh cup out of the cardboard tray.
"Did you say Mi'gmaq high school just then?" I asked him after a few seconds of rumination.
"No, I said Micmac," Vector replied.
"Hm," I grunted. "I could have sworn you said Mi'gmaq."
The door to the principal's office opened, and a pleasant-looking older gentleman offered us a handshake. Introductions were made, and we began our trek to the gym.
"Did you have any questions concerning the assembly?" the principal asked us.
"Have the children been through a metal detector?" Vector asked using his querulous grandfather's voice.
"I'm sure that everything will be fine," I said reassuringly. "Tell me, are the fire exits clearly marked in the gymnasium?"
"Do you have a student here named Carrie White?" Vector asked intently.
The gentleman laughed. "I actually know what that means. I don't catch too many pop culture references, but I got that one."
We went through a set of double doors and up a set of stairs, and then stood offstage getting miked up while the principal took center stage to introduce us.
"I say we bolt," Vector said nervously. "I can smell their pheromones. They want blood, and the taste of meat. We're the gazelles. Oh god, we're the gazelles."
I placed the auto-injector on the back of Vector's neck, and pulled the trigger. There was a rush of compressed air, and then Vector slowly turned his head to look at me.
"What was that?" he asked politely.
"I know how nutty you like to get when there's a court order involved," I said tactfully, "so I brought along something to take the edge off."
"I appreciate that," Vector said carefully. "Really, I do. You're a good friend. I'm glad that you have my back. I can't feel my legs."
"They have stools for us to sit on," I said cheerfully, with a smile commonly found on someone who can still feel their legs.
We walked onstage to an obligatory round of applause. Vector woodenly shifted himself onto a stool, and I did likewise.
"Good morning," I said brightly, bringing all of my caffeine-induced energy to bear. "We're very excited to be here to talk to you today. We're going to talk a little bit about the information technology industry, including a look at some of the careers that exist out there, and then we'll have a Q and A session with you guys. It's pretty casual with Vector and I, so relax, be comfortable, and hopefully we'll have a good time this morning."
"Thanks again for the waffles," Vector said groggily.
I frowned slightly. Surely I hadn't overestimated the dosage on the injection...
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Well, I'm not going to offer a written transcript of that morning's presentation. Chances are, you've already seen the phone cam footage on YouTube. It should be noted that Vector was not clinically or legally sane (as a jury of his "peers" recently determined) when he made those comments concerning certain top executives of technology companies. I actually felt kind of bad about the Steve Ballmer diatribe that Vector spewed out over 17 profanity-filled minutes (although at least it got Slashdotted), but then Steve-O came out with his recent comments about Linux stealing Microsoft's intellectual property, and my guilt faded just as fast as Ballmer's credibility. However, I would like to repeat my apologies to the student sitting in a wheelchair in the front row who Vector repeatedly referred to as "that Hawking know-it-all sumbitch."
I can't help but feel a certain level of personal responsibility for the events of that day. However, in the final analysis, I have no choice but to hold the courts responsible. As Vector pointed out: they could have just fined us.
Oh, and I won't answer this question anymore, so please stop sending it to me-- I have no idea how the fire got started.
A.J. Axline
B1n@ry N@t10n
A.J. Axline is the person responsible for Closet Universe, and has successfully repressed most of his memories of high school.
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Posted by
nam on 28/11/2006 14:33 |
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