|
|
 |
|
| |
|
|
ExamForce :: Article Archive :: Newsletter Article
 The Cert Times: IT Edition Article Archive
|
| In the Geek of the Night (B1N@RY N@T10N (A.J. Axline)) |
It was well past the end of the evening, and the last four party guests were languidly chatting in that fuzzy time found between far too late and way too early. Vector was at the end of the sofa, playing Kraftwerk tunes from his Nano through the house stereo. Robert the Bruce, an Australian co-worker friend of Vector's, was sitting in a massive stuffed armchair, playing a time-trial run of Dragon Warrior on the NES. Sonja, AKA "Red Sonja," AKA "Warrior Woman out of Majestic Hyrkania," a mutual friend from a previous vocational existence, was sitting on the floor by the coffee table, folding shiny origami creations out of a roll of tin foil pilfered from the kitchen. An impressive menagerie of cyberpunk animals and people was beginning to take shape.
Me? I was flopped out on a small divan, balancing a gigantic glass of ice-choked Italian soda on my chest, saying, "Most people don't have enough viable loose wood in their houses to board up their doors and windows in the event of a zombie attack. Think about it. Who has oak furniture anymore? Try bolstering a door with pieces of a chopped up Billy bookcase. You may as well hand over your brains on Triscuits."
"Was there a Dawn of the Dead game cartridge for the Atari 2600?" Robert the Bruce asked.
"Yes, except it was called E.T. The Extra Terrestrial," I replied.
"They should have made a Dawn of the Dead game for the Intellivision," Sonja said, placing a gleaming chicken on the coffee table. "Mattel could have used the voice module they created, what was it called?"
"Intellivoice," Vector, Robert the Bruce, and I all answered at the same time.
"You all owe me a Coke," Sonja said calmly, tearing off another sheet of tin foil. "Anyway, they could have used the Intellivoice to have digital zombie voices moaning, 'Brraaaiiins'."
"Zombies don't actually moan, 'Braaaiiins'," Vector said. "That's a poor case of pseudoanthropomorphism. They just snarl and groan unintelligibly. Kinda like A.J. before his first cup of coffee in the morning."
"I don't believe that you are an undead linguist," I replied, "or a linguist of the undead for that matter. Further, I don't believe that pseudoanthropomorphism is an actual word. Oh sure, it sounds pretty, and it takes an impressive 22 letters to make it happen, but it's still far more likely that you are abusing the English language again."
"Maybe it's hyphenated," Robert the Bruce suggested.
"What the hell difference does that make?" I asked. "Throwing a piece of punctuation at a pile of bullshit doesn't make it a turkey dinner."
"Isn't that how they make those Hungry-Dude frozen dinners?" Vector grinned.
"Why don't they call them 'TV dinners' anymore?" I mused. "Is it because lonely single people eat them in front of their computers now? Maybe they should re-brand them as 'computer dinners'."
"Instead of those displays at IKEA with the hydraulic machine pressing down on the chair over and over again to show how they test the durability of their furniture, they should have a display with a group of hydraulic zombies pushing against a door with the IKEA chair jammed under the doorknob," Sonja said thoughtfully. "I would be more inclined to purchase a piece of furniture named Phlëgmgøbbet if I could see physical proof of its zombie-stopping power."
No one spoke for awhile.
(Aside: Sonja is incredibly attractive, and tragically single. Normal men are baffled by her, and geek men are overwhelmed by her. She has stated for the record that she is waiting for a superior alien life form to arrive on Earth so that she can "bond" with it. I don't think 'normal' men stand a chance with her, and it will take a pretty exceptional geek to catch her eye. She is even Vector-proof, and he is incredibly, sometimes illegally persistent with women he's interested in.)
(He hasn't tried too hard with Sonja, to be honest. I think he is grateful that she hasn't turned to him in the middle of a conversation and casually ordered him to throw himself on his sword. First, he would probably do it. Second, he has a sword, so he can't use the lack of one as an excuse.)
I went to the kitchen, and came back with various beverages and snacks.
"There's some guy passed out in the kitchen," I remarked. "It appears that someone has taken advantage of the opportunity to fill his shorts with Alpha-Bits."
"Those are my Alpha-Bits," Vector frowned.
"Really? I just assumed that it was you who did it," I said.
"It was," Vector admitted. "I just hadn't considered the possible consequences for breakfast fare selection."
"Screw that," Sonja said, daintily placing a foil origami stoat on the table, "we're going for waffles."
And so we unplugged the NES, dragged a protesting Robert the Bruce out to the minivan, drove to the local waffle emporium, and stuffed ourselves with various cooked batter concoctions and hot cups of coffee as the great fiery ball in the sky began to make an appearance.
The four of us donned sunglasses as we walked out of the waffle house.
"I have just enough caffeine in my bloodstream to get me home and into bed," Vector yawned.
"Ditto," I agreed. "Let's drop off Robert the Bruce and Red Sonja, and go look for some ZZZZZ's in that guy's pants."
Three blank looks followed me to the minivan.
"Alpha-Bits dude? Passed out in the kitchen?" I reminded them.
"Ahhhhh," they replied.
Just another lost geek weekend. Gotta love 'em.
A.J. Axline is the author of Closet Universe, an award-winning collection of short fiction if, by "award-winning", you mean "not".
|
|
|
Posted by
nam on 27/06/2007 16:10 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ExamForce, Inc. is not sponsored by, endorsed by, or affiliated with Cisco Systems, Inc. Cisco®, Cisco Systems®, CCDA™, CCNA™, CCDP™, CCNP™, CCIE™, CCSI™, the Cisco Systems logo, and the CCIE logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of Cisco Systems, Inc. in the United States and certain other countries. All other trademarks, including those of Microsoft, CompTIA, and Citrix are trademarks of their respective owners.
|
|
|
|
 |
|
