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ExamForce :: Article Archive :: Newsletter Article
 The Cert Times: IT Edition Article Archive
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| Things I Think I Think (B1N@RY N@T10N (A.J. Axline)) |
This is my last column of the year-and the decade-and honestly, I am just too damned busy to be profound. I have a ton of holiday shopping left to do in subzero temperatures that have the brass monkeys screeching like Tiger's wife brandishing a freeway wood, which is likely the only wood she'll be holding for… see, I'm even too played out to pluck a piece of the media's lowest hanging fruit of the year. And honestly, celebrity infidelity today is about as shocking as 1930's swimsuit fashions. I'm pretty certain that there was some star discus thrower in ancient times who, in spite of his marital status, was getting as much tail as a Grecian could urn.
So, to meet my contractual obligations and give you hard-working techies and techettes something to nosh on this month, I'd like to offer a loose connection of brain nuggets that have collected in my various notebooks and sticky notes over the last twelve months. Consider this to be a potpourri stocking filled with items even stinkier than your normal stockings, you unbathed swine.
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I am not a PC, and I am not a Mac. I am a human being who would like computer and software companies to spend more time actually supporting their products, and less time trying to claim ownership of my consumer soul.
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Soon, they'll have a computer small enough and sophisticated enough to fit inside your brain. And, the Geek Squad will install it for only $849 all this month!
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Someone had better start creating dinosaurs cloned from amber-trapped DNA soon, because I want to eat one. Richard Branson should jump on this, instead of creating outer space day tours. If you're going to be a rich crazy bastard, at least give people what they really want, which is to eat prehistoric animals while in outer space.
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I think that when a robot gets smart enough to turn a car around 180 degrees, you may want to administer a U-Turing test.
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If they're done mapping the human genome, could we please get a GPS system for it? I'd like to know which exit ramp to take to avoid prostate cancer.
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Am I the only one who wants his mobile phone to just be a damn phone? I don't want to text, watch YouTube, play Texas Hold Em with people from Malaysia, or perform an abdominal ultrasound on myself, or anyone else. I want a pay-by-the-second global walkie talkie.
Although, they could put a Taser in it. I'm okay with that.
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Did you know that you can make your own beaver? You can. All you need is a hamster, 20 pounds of lard, and a month's supply of those protein shakes.
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Two hundred years from now, people are going to look back at the stock market and see it for what it was: one of the biggest crocks of s**t in human history. The stock market is a giant game played by criminals with other people's money, where the rules exist only to suggest the best way to cheat.
In a recent meeting at Vector's office, one of the executives crowed, "There's no reason why our stock price can't hit $90 this year!" And Vector shouted back, "Wow, just like Enron!"
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Want to mess with your teenager? Next time they ask you for something, offer them a fountain pen and a pad of paper, and tell them they can have what they want if they can handwrite a complete, legible sentence that contains a subject and a predicate.
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I still think that there is a huge market for an adult-themed Nintendo game that comes with a special controller: the Wee-Wee-Wiimote.
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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all of us at Binary Nation!
A.J. Axline
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Posted by
nam on 22/12/2009 14:36 |
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